I have nothing against diets. 

As a chubby chap myself, I’ve been on quite a few. None has ever worked in anything other than the very short term. But you’ve got to make a bit of an effort now and then haven’t you? Just to show willing. 

And the occasional week of ‘oh my God I could almost literally KILL the waitress for that piece of bread right now’ does us all good – much of the world wakes up and goes to bed hungry every day after all. 

And yet..... 

What can be more annoying than the diet convert? That person you always knew as happily plump; who has now seen the holy light of the diet; and who is its most vocal and persistent advocate. 

I have a friend – let’s call him Steve. Why have I chosen the name Steve? Because, well, that is his name. He has lost one and a half stone. He does indeed look better for it. And his suits look suitably fresh, because indeed they are, as none of his old ones fit, so he had to buy new ones. 

But does the world really need to be informed of the minutiae of said diet? And be informed not just occasionally, but EVERY SINGLE DAY?? I say no. 

Does the world really need to be compelled to worship the new slim physique; and to be told how they ‘really should try it – you’ll feel better for it’? No. We do not. 

Must we go through the monotony of ‘not for me thank you. I’m on a diet’ at every meal? Again, the answer is a resounding ‘no’. Your newly discovered aversion to bread and potatoes concerns me in no way whatsoever. Your proud line of ‘gin and slim please’ – with the emphasis on the slim impresses me in no way. 

To my mind, diets are like children, pets, wedding and holiday photographs. Of intense interest to the person concerned. Of no interest to anybody else. 

So dieters of the world, unite in this simple pledge. Repeat after me ‘I shall no longer inflict upon friends, colleagues, or strangers the tedious details of what I choose to put into my mouth. I have better things to do with my daily supply of oxygen and words’. 

On which note, I’m off to have a chip sandwich. Bon appetit! 

Witten by Francis Ingham, director general of PRCA