Job interviews; are you the hunted, or the hunter?

First impressions rule.  I love them. If I don't like someone in the first 10 seconds, that's basically it. I can't be bothered.

But I'm not sure this is the best way to hire people? The problem with interviews is that they are pretty much all about first impressions. So you can end up employing someone who is great company for an hour, but who drives you nuts after a few days. Watching The Apprentice highlights how someone who does a sterling application form, and sails through an interview, can be a complete prat in the workplace.

But, of course, for me this is all an advantage. How else did I get this job? I'm great fun - in the pub. Just a pain in the arse at work.

So if you are truly useless, don’t worry, here are some tips that will help you land that dream job:

1. Preparation – If you’re a lazy f*cker it is obviously tedious to do loads of background research about the company, but at least do a quick Google search for some key facts. And think of some questions whatever you do. There’s nothing worse than having nothing to say at the end of the interview.

HOF takeaway: If you do one thing - remember the CEO's name.

2. Online profile – Many potential employers will be checking out your Facebook and Twitter profile. So now is the time to write updates showing how much you love working hard. For example: “Still in the office at 3am. I was so engrossed in writing this proposal, I didn’t notice the time!”

HOF takeaway: Delete the picture of you smoking a splif (or worse) from Facebook. And probably best to delete any recent heavy flirting.

3. The basics – Clean your shoes, choose a tasteful outfit and practise your smile.

HOF takeaway: Brush your teeth, if the interviewer starts retching, you're in trouble.

4. In the interview – Listen as much as you can. Gives you time to think.

HOF takeaway: That's listen, don't look bored, and no, don't start eyeing them up. (I tried that once, didn't get the job)

5. Key answer – When you get the inevitable question about your weaknesses, remember to lie! There are only two acceptable character faults you can admit to: being a perfectionist, and taking work home.

HOF takeaway: This is such an overused bullshit question, but try not to laugh.

And here are some tactics to avoid:
Eye-balling – Yes, you might have heard it is good to look people in the eye in an interview, but stare at them without blinking for too long and they’ll wonder about your sanity.

Handshake – Make sure your hands are dry and don’t be floppy. But don’t squeeze that hard! Ouch!

Greed – Don’t ask what your salary is going to be before anyone has asked you anything. Although it is tempting.

Laughing hysterically – Obviously you must laugh at any joke, no matter how terrible, the interviewer cracks. But don’t get carried away.

Hope that helps. But if the interview only lasts ten minutes, it hasn’t.

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