I have just come out of a brainstorming meeting with my boss, where she came up with all sorts of ideas for making our people happier and more productive.

I pointed out that if she wanted to make me happy she could organise a decent pension scheme. But, as usual, she ignored my wise words and decided to organise a team-building event instead.

What fun! Not.

There are only four perks that I am interested in:

A raise

More money makes me happy, simple.

A pension scheme

Yes, sad to say I am getting to that age where the word “pension” doesn’t send me to sleep. Quite the reverse, it sends me into a panic. Will I ever be able to afford to retire?

More holiday

Always a winner, as long as I don’t have to lose any salary to get it.

Shorter hours

It would be nice if my boss insisted I went home early on occasion, rather than encouraging me to burn the midnight oil.

But there are many perks that are a waste of time and money as far as I’m concerned:

Reward days

I don’t want to spend a day in a spa. If you are going to give me a day off, I’d rather be at home, thanks. And as for the idea of sending me off to the country to bond with my colleagues, it’s hard to think of worse ways to spend my time.

Special coffee machine

It looks great, the coffee tastes good, but it doesn’t make me work any harder. And anyway, those snazzy machines are always breaking down.

A duvet day

A day off is great, but calling in to claim a “duvet day” is plain embarrassing.

Stupid bits of kit in the office

Works of art, pinball machines and themed meeting rooms do not inspire me. And whenever I visit an office with a football or pool table, they appear to be gathering dust rather than gathering a crowd.