Will the recession EVER be over? I'm so bored of it. Everyone expects me to flog my guts out, achieve perfection and then they still piss and moan about the fees being too high.

I am so tired of biting the bullet that my teeth are hurting. But, as the moaning continues, costs must still be cut. Here are my top tips for saving a few quid in the office:

1. The current climate is making everyone miserable.So instigate a “complaint box“. This is not for people to get their complaints heard (as if!), but to make people pay if they utter a grievance.

2. Clamp down on expenses. Put a ban on taxi rides and taking clients to expensive restaurants (needless to say this applies to everyone, except the founder, the founder's wife and his mistress).

3. Downgrade the coffee. Have you seen the price of fresh-ground coffee? Stock up the office cupboards with Tesco-value instant instead.

4. Never have lunchtime meetings. That always means paying for lunch, even if it’s just sandwiches. Make ‘em buy their own damned food.

5. Stop providing biscuits in the boardroom. You’ll find this saves time as well as money. No one will want to eke out the meeting if there are no chocolate Hobnobs.

6. Hire out desks to freelancers. You must have a few spare spaces in the office now, assuming you’ve been making cutbacks like everyone else has. By the time you charge them for coffee, the phone and using the toilet, you should make a few quid.

7. Stop stocking the stationery cupboard. You know everyone pinches it, so why encourage their thievery? They can afford their own biros, or get them free from clients’ offices.

8. Exploit interns. You may not be able to afford to pay them, but at least you can give them skills, for example here is a training exercise I did earlier: “Get me a coffee, but not that cheap crap in the kitchen, here’s some money for a latte from Carluccio’s. Sorry I haven’t got enough cash to get you one too.”

9. Become a virtual network of sector specialists. If things are really tight, lose the real estate and get everyone to work from home. Not convinced this works long term, but you should be able to blag another six months in fees.