I am not one to blow my own trumpet, but despite any impression I have given you so far, I am not a complete failure. And I suspect I would be even more successful if I shouted about my modest achievements. Sometimes, in this industry, I wonder if it’s not what you do, it’s what you SAY you do.

We might all be in the job of publicity, but listening to my colleagues, it seems that self publicity is far more important than getting clients noticed. Here’s an example of typical day of my workmate, who I shall call Mimi (but who should be called “Me! Me!”): Mimi spends half an hour writing a press release. Before writing the press release she informs the office of the great idea she has just thought of (which of course, isn’t that great). She then reads out her magnum opus in a loud voice, so that we can “ooh!” and “aah!“ over her brilliant use of language.

The client is informed about this superb work. Next Mimi goes on Twitter and Facebook to tell all her “fans” about her witty lines. She then gets inundated with comments online from her sycophantic friends, so has to spend a few hours engaging in “hilarious” online banter.

Before you know it, the day is over, and Mimi has spent half an hour working, and the rest of the day telling everyone how brilliant her work is. And the tragic part is that my boss completely falls for this, and Mimi is one of the stars of our office.

So if you want to get ahead in PR, take a leaf out of Mimi’s book:

1. It’s not just about self-belief, you need friends who love you too. Drop anyone who fails to give you the praise you need.

2. Whenever you do get praise, no matter how small, make sure you mention it to everyone you know. Try to pretend to be modest if you can. For example, “I seem to have been nominated for ANOTHER award. It’s rather embarrassing …”.

3. It is extremely important to boast online. Facebook is better for news about your increasing social status, Twitter is ideal for putting links to your latest piece of fantastic work.

4. When you have nothing interesting to say, don‘t let that stop you. Make sure you feed your followers with fascinating instalments of your life. Let them know which brand of toothpaste your prefer, how you take your coffee and how long your commute takes. And upload photos as often as possible.

5. As well as getting noticed, it is important to put others in the shade. Make sure to take credit for other people’s work where possible. Especially if it’s brilliant.